november
11/12 - Listening to The Who - I'm Free
Great mood today overall. Still very disordered eating though. Can't be perfect. But I re organized my entire room today pretty much! My paint and my poscas/pens got put in new boxes (well the same boxes, but i closed the tops and opened the sides so that they'd have more area space) and I still have more organizing to do with the remainder of my crafts stuff but this helps quite a bit. I painted some things with my new paint I got on clearance (brand is 'abstract innovative acrylic' and it feels really nice and opaque!) and yeah just big chilling today. I am still bad at doing my injections lol but it is getting better, I promise I'll do it before I sleep tonight!!
Lets see, what else was I gonna do today...
-I am currently reading "Angels & Mortals: Their Co-Creative Power". Although I have been very slow to get into it honestly, I want to give it some attention before bed.
-I am trying to get myself into a mindstate where I can make art that other people will actually see. Right now I want to do some YT, some zines, and some other weirder stuff on this website. I am a little overwhelmed by the idea of putting myself out there like that though, especially in a youtube video. But it has been on my mind for a good while now and I think it would be a good skill to learn anyway.
-I am working on researching the best routes for installing an alternate OS on my spare Android phone. Currently I'm between LineageOS and GrapheneOS, but leaning towards Lineage... I am still quite scared of the potential that it may brick my phone though.
11/03 - Reading David Boring by Daniel Clowes
I am starting to accept that I am very lonely. The only one I have who I can really trust is Charese. Sure I have some friends, but there is a gap between what I want to say and what I can say, and at that point what's the use in talking at all?
No, I don't really think that. I just can't talk about *everything*. I want someone to talk about everything with. The best type of relationship, I think.
I went on a date a few weeks ago. It bothered me how normal he was. He spoke of alternate religion as if it were some affliction the same as insanity. He somehow liked the new Tron (what??). Someone like that has been walking the widest path their entire life, so needless to say we wouldn't have gotten along. Still, he ghosted me, so clearly I struggled to act like I was normal myself.. Or maybe he felt ashamed that he obviously thought I would be a different type of girl. This happens a lot on dating apps; everyone is very open to dating a 'gender fluid girl', but not THAT type of gender fluid girl. My voice is usually a dead giveaway, not that smoking joints daily is much help on that front. I should be grateful I at least pass as "theyfab", though.
~
I have been trying to explore more fluid expressions of art (I suppose to complement my gender? ehehehe) mostly to challenge myself and spur some potential new interests. I want to make zines, performances like puppet theater, youtube videos, weird esoteric internet ideas blending web design and worldbuilding. I will probably elaborate on some of these in time. I've thought about attempting a 'daily comic' for as long as I can, since it feels like the kindof ritual that could improve both my output and my daily activity. I struggle when I try to imagine coming up with punchlines on a daily basis.
But I have been thinking a lot of Gabrielle Bell's graphic novel The Voyeurs, which presents many (somewhat repetitive) pages of her daily adventures in Manhattan and the world at large, suffering from depression and a personal struggle with chronic emptiness and dissociation. She never cared about a punchline, it was her given perspective which naturally invited laughter and creative insight. I've always been a fan of dry humor, which garishly contrasts the personality I often put on. I've since accepted my place of cynical dissatisfaction, which is not a good thing!
Daniel Clowes, which I've been reading a lot of the work of recently, presents much of this same viewpoint. He often draws the lives of disaffected kids wandering the streets in the 80s, which presents an oddly comforting view of many different humans stuck in the same modality. A major theme is questionable protagonists torturing themselves through obsessions and confusing choices, which are often seemingly made as though they are self-aware of the story they are trapped inside, a keystone of postmodern writing. But unlike many postmodern stories, the characters talk like real people, often showing their bad sides and making uncomfortably real facial expressions as they passively tear at each other.