september
09/30 - Reading Ann Tenna by Marisa Acocella Marchetto
Forcing myself to post today. Here is a half-baked sketching of a poem-
I see you in a little window on my phone,
Hello, Penny
I'm Penny too, but not like you are
To be what I see in my daydreams,
That richness of meaning in a world you've made
Your struggles are mine
But you, Penny
Making it beautiful all over again
Emerging painfully earnest
Trip and fall in front of everyone
You wipe off the dirt and put on your makeup
And tell me how to be Penny too
09/23 - Listening to The Felice Brothers - Inferno
(Fuck this shit. Honestly. Why can't you just do what I tell you?)
Recently (like a few weeks ago because she cant do her damn reading like i tell her to)... RECENTLY I've been thinking about a section of a book I am reading, The Sacred Book of the Werewolf by Viktor Pelevin. The main character A Hu-Li, living in Moscow, remarks to her sister in the UK about the state of the Russian soul. I am paraphrasing here but she says it is like being in a taxi in the middle of nowhere, but the car isn't moving because the taxi driver is dead. Her sister asks, isn't that terrifying and depressing? A Hu-Li says no, because it means that now you are sure no help is coming, and you are free to get out of the taxi and explore the stark, lonely landscape in peace. It is as if the whole world has opened up to you.
At this stage in the story A Hu-Li is somewhat of an antisocial and self-centered character. As a millenia-old shapeshifting fox, her relation to humans is necessarily distant and manipulative, for the sake of her survival. Over the ages this makes her bitter and cynical, as well as a social chameleon so adept at her disguise that she cannot even separate it from her identity and self-expression if she wanted to. She lives outside of society for her own benefit, so she has established a positive relationship with her prolonged solitude, informing her viewpoint on her position in the stopped taxi. Her position is that of the 'optimistic nihilist', that she has hope for the future but not for the future of the world she presides within. A fiesty spirit trapped inside a I feel today like A Hu-Li.
I was walking around this morning killing time until my new job started. I found on the sidewalk a 9 of spades, upside-down when I first spotted it. This card is (arguably) translatable to the 9 of swords in some iterations of tarot. In reverse, it signals the end of a time of suffering or uncertainty. How fitting... I hope.
(Drinking today. Bad girl. Very bad.) But look at me. Living my truest thoughts, despite the contradictory beliefs I would like to believe have their reigns around me (You fucking bitch.) In my truest thoughts I know it matters very little. Anyway, Miller sucks, but at least its cheap.
On a brighter note I am working on a comic based on Toontown Online's famous prologue flash video. It is not a 1:1 recreation but my own interpretation of the story.